sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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