you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
