Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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