Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
