u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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