What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
