Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
