i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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