No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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