Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize