i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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