I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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