Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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