I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
