and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
