well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My bed smells like the plague
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
