Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
