We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
