I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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