theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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