Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
