so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
