u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
