So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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