She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize