If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize