I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize