I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
