Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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