I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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