you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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