I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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