just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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