I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Someone came in the potted fern
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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