Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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