there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
