Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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