If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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