i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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