Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
