So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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