I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
