I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
