So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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