Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
