Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
