OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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