Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
