Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
