I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
