A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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