Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
