thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
