Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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