I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
