I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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