please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
