R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
