if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
