Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so let's talk penis.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
