Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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