waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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