Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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